24 weeks

I know it's been a while, but there really wasn't much to say. Things are going well. I started feeling the baby move about a week and a half ago. It is the strangest feeling. It freaks my husband out, it's really funny. The first time he felt it, he yanked his hand away. It was pretty cute.

I've got a pretty good workout schedule going. I attend a water zumba class & prenatal yoga class on mondays, a regular zumba class Wednesday & Friday, and a longer more relaxed prenatal class on Thursdays. I want to be in as good as shape as I can be. I feel pretty good after all my workouts, so it's been pretty easy to keep up with it. I would have to say the hardest one is getting in that cold pool monday mornings, but once I start dancing in the water, it's all good. The regular zumba classes are fun and its challenging to keep my heart rate under 140, but I manage.

I've put on about 14 pounds so far, and only in the past couple weeks have I really started to show. I kinda like the special attention. Cars stop and let me walk, people hold doors open for me, it's great. Although, I'm not looking forward to the part where strangers want to give me advice and/or touch my belly. I'm not the touchy feely kind of girl.

I cleaned out my drawers this weekend of all my non-maternity clothes to make room for my maternity collection. Which I believe is almost complete, thanks to a gift card to Motherhood Maternity & Gap/Old Navy, a few thrift stores and of course Ebay. I spent $40 on a hugh lot of maternity clothes, which gives me lots of items to work with.

Yesterday, we celebrated our 3 year anniversary and Saturday we are flying to the Dominican Republic for a much needed vacation/baby moon. I'm pretty excited. We only just booked everything. I was beginning to worry that we were not going to be able to take a vacation before the holidays and before the baby.

Dec. 15th, we get to spend 3 weeks with my in-laws, who I love. They are great. I bet we start and finish the baby room while they are here. So far, we haven't made much progress.

Well, I think that catches me up. Another Ultrasound is tomorrow and hopefully, I'll scan all the pics so far and get them up here.

2nd Trimester...Yeah

I made it to the 2nd trimester!! I was never really sure exactly when it started since different books say different things, but no matter what, I should be in 2nd trimester now. I'm still nauseous and throwing up a bit, but I do think it might be getting better. My weight is still holding at 130, but I suspect that will be short lived. I'm excited to be close to showing and being able to feel the baby kick - I so can't wait.

We had our Nuchal Scan last week and everything turned out great. We got to see our little one again and that was a treat. It was moving quite a bit and even turned upside down on us. The Down Syndrome odds are 1 in 10,000+ and whatever is worse than Downs has the same odds. That was a relief. I shouldn't have been worrying, but now I have peace of mind.

I'm turning 35 in 11 days! I can't believe I'll be 35 when I have this baby. My goal was to have my first child at 25...I'm 10 years off! That is so crazy to me. Oh well, I'm in a better place now and I have the man of my dreams. Not to mention, I got to do a ton of traveling in the last 10 years. :)

Uncomfortable in my own skin...

I'm pregnant with ONE baby. I'm happy...but it's taking it's toll. I am incredibly nauseous everyday ALL DAY long. I've been this way for two weeks. My taste buds have changed and food I loved before tastes awful. I don't know what to eat now. I've been forcing myself to eat, but it is really hard. I spend 90% of my time laying in bed. It gets really bad when I stand for a few minutes and the gagging begins. Luckily, I work from home and am able to work from the bed. I have no idea what I would do if I had a real job I had to get to.

I've tried everything to help with the nausea: ginger ale, chamomile, acupuncture tacks, eating more often. I was practically crying at acupuncture on Wednesday. I need relief. My husband is being great. Humoring me with all my whims. I still get dizzy when I stand up. I also can't rest my arms on my stomach. Weird as that sounds, it just feels uncomfortable. I have to have all body parts not touching each other. I'm also waking up habitually at 4:30AM to use the bathroom. It's like clockwork and its really sucky. It has not been a fun pregnancy.

I'm about to be 8 weeks along and it's going to be a big week! We have our 2nd ultrasound followed with our graduation from Shady Grove. I made an appointment with a Midwife, referred to me by my acupuncturist, turns out we go straight to her after our ultrasound. I'm nervous. I hope I like her. I didn't interview anyone else. I came to the decision that I want a water/home birth. I've actually always wanted a water birth even before the "Business of being Born". I think that is what is going to be best for me. I am a rather shy, anxious girl and think I would be more comfortable in the safety of my home.

Current Weight:128lbs. Lost two pounds since I got pregnant.

2nd Beta = 1901

So far so good. I've told a few people, and I want
to tell more. I suppose, I'm a little fearful of it
being bad luck. I don't need any more bad luck, but I am so excited I want to tell everyone. I've attached our chart from our beta values. Seems pretty high. http://www.babymed.com/Tools/Pregnancy/hCG/

I'm glad that things are going so well. The next Beta will be Wednesday and the Sonogram some time next week. I am really looking forward to that to see if there is one baby in there or TWO.

I'm now reading: Feed the Belly. So far, I think it is a cute little book. I can't wait to try some of the recipes. I just read the chapter about all the nutrients I need. It's enough to make me go crazy. I am taking a very expensive ($64/month) prescription prenatal vitamin. It's called Gesticare DHA. My nurse said it was very important and way better than the Flintstones vitamins I was taking before transfer. Anything for a healthy baby or babies.

So far, my symptoms are the same, a tad dizzy sometimes, a little nausea, and some crampy feelings. It's funny, I'm glad I get dizzy, because I know I'm still pregnant. Beats peeing on a stick to see if it's still in there.

I'm having occasional thoughts about the other two women who shared my donor. Did their cycle work? If so, will they have 1 or 2 babies each? I doubt the nurse would tell me if they were successful or not. It's going to be strange knowing that my child may have quite a few (genetic) brothers or sisters out there. The other thought that has crossed both my mind and my husbands is that we overpaid for our successful cycle - since it only took one try. But we are pregnant, so we are happy.

1st Beta is 515...shots continue!!!

I'm managing the shots much better with a new moist heating pad, so the news that I have to continue my shots was great to hear. I'm officially pregnant!! The next test is Monday, I'm super excited. I've already been to the library and picked up three or four pregnancy books. I'm half way through: "Our bodies, Ourselves - Pregnancy & Birth". I pretty much got up to the birth part and decided to read that part later when I am much further along.

I am wondering what the next steps are. I know that I stay with the fertility people for two months, but when do I find who I see after that and when do I see them? I'm not sure if I want an OB or a midwife - Can I have both? I like some modern technology, but I want to have as natural a childbirth as I can have. I'm also pretty sure I want a doula, at a birthing center or even a home birth. Lots of information is swirling around in my head. I even bought an app on the iPhone to track the pregnancy. Our baby is the size of a sesame seed. :) My husband gets a kick out of that. He had a dream that I gave birth to a hamburger, so he says we are on our way to our baby hamburger. I'm not sure how to figure out how far along I am. According to one way (the 40 week method) it says I'm 5 weeks and one day and my due date is March 5, 2010. It's based off my last period, but is that accurate with IVF? I find it strange that they count the first couple weeks when I am not pregnant & not ovulating (my donor was though). I would have guessed I was a little more than two weeks along since that's how long it has been since transfer. I'm currently: 15 days past my 3-day transfer.

I'm thinking about continuing with the acupuncture throughout the pregnancy. It's nice going and relaxing if nothing else is happening. I'm also thinking about starting a weekly yoga program for pregnant women. I feel like it might be too soon, but a new session is starting in a couple of weeks. I definately need to get into some exercise program, I've done nothing for a few weeks now. I want to be as healthy as I can be. I really can't believe all this is happening to us and on our first try!

Two Pink Lines!!

O.k. so I could not hold out, I took my first home pregnancy test Saturday morning - 8 days after transfer. The result was...very very faint. We took the second one this morning - and sure enough the second line was much darker today. So, I think I am pregnant. WOW.

Hubby is not too excited yet...I suppose he doesn't want to get his hopes up - or mine. He says there are so many things that can go wrong. He's also hoping for twins! Wow. He says he just wants to go through all this one - no more money, no more shots. I see where he is coming from, but twins? Would be a lot more work for me. He gets to leave each day, 10 hours a day...while I'd be home feeding TWO little ones all day.

Friday, we get to find out how pregnant we are. I am pretty excited!

More to worry about...

Not only do I have to worry about whether I am pregnant or not, but now I'm worried that I am-with an Ectopic pregnancy. I have two symptoms...One is sometimes when I get up, I get a sharp pain in my lower right abdomen which lasts maybe 30 seconds or so happens randomly on and off for the last couple days. The other one is sometimes when I get up too quickly, I feel really dizzy, which also lasts a few seconds. This is also on and off the last couple days. Neither of these are normal for me. I am so worried now. :( I hope it just means I have a NORMAL pregnancy or it's something else - maybe the new prescription vitamins. :(

Why can't things just go normal for once? Beta is Friday, it's going to be a long week.

Our Embryos...

Here is the photo of the embryos we were given. Are they not just the cutest. :)  I hope they are still inside and growing, well maybe just one of them. I keep thinking about having twins. Scary thought, but I suppose not too bad....

Pluses of Twins:

1)  Our family would be complete, we wouldn't have to do all of this all over again and cost us a ton more money.

2) I'd only have to be pregnant once.

3) the children have a built in playmate.

4) Ideally, one boy and one girl would be awesome.  Not, sure what I would if we had two boys. I've always wanted a girl and only two children. I wonder if I would feel like a 3rd child. Perhaps adopt the girl for a 100% guarantee.

Minuses:

1) Health of myself & the babies.

2) Chance of premature birth much higher.

3) Body stretching even more than I would like.

4) First few years are going to be very tiresome and probably impossible to continue to work from my home.

Transfer was a success!

At almost 2 pm today, two nice looking embryos were transferred to my slightly over full bladder. That was the worst part. They even gave us a picture of our little guys. That was too cute. 

Is it a good idea to say I am pregnant unless proven otherwise? Positive thinking to help get the job done, or devastation waiting to happen? My honey is being so great. He's waiting on me hand and foot. He's off now getting me some Thai food for a craving. He might be going over board a little, but I think it's really sweet. He's going to make a great father. 

July 3rd, will be the day of our pregnancy test. It's going to be a long wait. Today I'm on 24-hour bed rest and am suppose to take it easy for the next 2-3 days. I'm going to try hard to not take a home pregnancy test. Let's see how that goes. Hope is something I haven't had for a while, today I am quite hopeful and happy.

Transfer is tomorrow :)

The time is finally here!! Tomorrow at 1:30 one or two of our growing 5 embryos will be implanted. It will only be a 3-day transfer. I was hoping for a 5-day transfer. I just hope it all works. I'm super excited, so is my honey.

Tonight's Progesterone shot went SOOO much better. I got some 1" needles instead of the 1.5", I didn't freeze the area first, but used some numbing cream and it worked perfectly. I think freezing the area first was making it more difficult to inject.

My road to being a mom has some more speed bumps...but I'm still driving.

So the ulcer I got from the Doxy slowly went away. I can now eat and drink just fine. The following Wednesday I found out that I have gallstones, which explains some other pain I get in my chest that radiates to my back.  I am assuming this came about because of the birth control pills or the estrogen. I did some more testing for the gallbladder, which showed that it was functioning normally, so that is good. All the doctors was recommending me cancel our IVF cycle.  I met with a surgeon on Monday, who said I could go ahead and take the chance. The problem with gallstones is that it may get worse when I get pregnant.  I've learned that I would get the pain when I don't eat until lunch, so I've started eating more frequently and I have been fine. I hope by eating more frequently and avoiding super fatty foods, I can manage the symptoms.

I am happy to know we can go through with the cycle. It's been a lot of effort & time to get to this point. Our donor has given us 10 eggs on Tuesday. She had a total of 30 that were split three ways. Today we have 6 that are growing!! Transfer will be Friday, Sunday or Monday at the latest. I am super excited. I can't wait. Sunday is father's day, kinda a cool day to have a child conceived. It will also take my mind off my first father's day without my father. I've been kinda depressed lately with all the father's day ads. 

Two nights ago, I started the Progesterone in oil. Sucks that I have to take these every day. Plus my hips already feel pretty bruised. :( I can't image taking these shots for over 2 months. Oh, how I wish this was simpler. What happened to the fun part of having sex to get pregnant. I just skipped over that part. My honey is about to go out of town for three days (luckily after transfer), so we have to find someone to help me with the shots. I REALLY don't want to give them to myself.

I hope this cycle takes and we have at least 4 frozen eggs to try for a sibling in a couple of years.

My first ER visit as an adult...

So the pain of eating and drinking became way too much today. I decided it was time to go to the hospital to try and find a remedy.  I had called my regular Doctor, but they had suggested that I go to the hospital to get quicker results. A few seconds after I swallow food or liquid, I get severe pain, I'd say 9 out of 10 on the pain scale. Today I actually refused to eat or drink anything. :(

We got to the hospital around 2:30 or so.  After a lot of redundant stuff - questions, blood pressure tests, etc, and 5 hours later, I finally get a prescription to help heal what we all think I have, which is probably an ulcer or inflammation of my esophagus caused by the Doxycycline  I only took for four days.  I stopped taking the meds Monday night and it's Friday night and I have the same constant pain. I'll probably have the pain for another week until it heals. I've been given a proton inhibitor (i think) to help it heal. I have to make a follow up appointment in a week, and if it's still bad, I believe they well scope my throat. I just hope I can manage to find the energy to eat and/or drink until then.

We talked to our fertility doctor today who prescribed this terrible antibiotic for us, and he says this kind of reaction is rare. I doubt that, since all my research on the net showed many many people with the same problems. I was also told that an allergic reaction to the Lupron was also extremely rare. How is it that I'm the special case? I'm afraid that all of this bad stuff is going to hinder me in some way. I really hope it doesn't. I'd hate for them to pull me from the shared risk program, because I become too much of a risk.

Tomorrow it will be a week on the Lupron, and we have an appointment for blood work and an ultrasound. We are getting closer—only 19-24 days left until our transfer!  Anyone know how close it gets to when they can narrow down the dates a little better?

I also had my first acupuncture appointment today. It went well. I really liked the lady I saw. I felt comfortable with her. The session lasted 2 hours and she now pretty much knows my whole life story. I find that strange, but if it helps, then I'm all for it. She's recommending two sessions a week until we get to transfer time. I hope it helps with some other ailments like my lower back pain, calm me, and work it's fertility magic on me. I do find it all strange, but am willing to try anything for this to work! I didn't feel any different during or after the session, nor do I now, but today was an unusual day, spending 5 hours at the hospital and all. I'm going to lay in bed now and do some deep breathing. I am hopeful.

Started taking meds...and have been cursed.

So far, not so good.

I started the Lurpon shots saturday morning, 20cc. It went o.k. at first, needle in, meds out. Shortly later though I start swelling up. First about the size of a mosquito bite, but then bigger, and then bigger. And it itched like crazy. The swelling lasted an hour and a half. We had gone Kayaking and when we got back I called the answering service and talked to the oncall nurse. She suggested I take Benedril 20 minutes or so before the next shot.

O.k., so now it's Sunday, I took the Benedril and then the shot, and everything was good. No swelling. This time however, I got soooo very sleepy. I ended up sleeping until 5pm. Not exactly the best way to spend part of a 3-day weekend. At this point I have also started taking 100mg of Doxycycline. At first I assumed it was like most antibiotics and are taken once a day. Well we did that for two days before I realized we were supposed to be taking two of these a day.

Monday, I take my Lupron shot, this time using Benedril cream around the injection site and I take my morning Doxy. The anti-cream worked just as well as the pill so that's good, but the Doxy made both me and my husband very nauseous (we took it on an empty stomach).  It's confusing because the paperwork from the pharmacist says take on an empty stomach and the paperwork from the doctor says take with food.  Lesson learned I suppose. Eventually it wore off and we were able to enjoy the second half of our day.  I took the second Doxy an hour or so before bed.  I ended up sleeping terribly. I started getting very weird chest pains. At first I was dreaming someone was squeezing my heart, it felt so uncomfortable. It was and actually still is coming in waves. Almost every time I swallow, especially with food, I feel pain down my chest.

I just want to be asleep now. I'm no longer taking the Doxy and I hope very soon, this pain goes away.

I took my last BC pill yesterday and now have 5 more days of the Lupron. I get to look forward to a lovely painful period this week, hopefully my last one for a while. I sure hope this cycle works on the first try or my body builds up a tolerance to all these drugs. My boobs are still super sore from the prescreening & BC pills.

I contacted an acupuncturist today. Kind of expensive and she can't see me for a while. The earliest would be Saturday or next Wednesday. It's $140 for the first consultation, then $80 each, if I buy two with the consult, I will save $50. She says the follow up visits are 30 minutes. I'm not sure what I am going to do at this point. She's local. The other place I am looking into is actually associated with Shady Grove and may be more flexible timing wise with my transfer (they are in the same building). I would have to drive a ways to get there though for the other appointments. I will try to call them tomorrow to ask questions. I wasn't up for it today.

I'm going to take something to help me sleep. Goodnight.

Schedules been made

The tentative schedule is as follows:
Active Birth Control Pills through 5/25 (all four women will sync cycles)
Start Lupron shots on 5/23 (7 shots) I'm trying to get out of this part. It's to prevent ovulation, but I don't ovulate, so I think it's pretty stupid. I also have to give them in my belly, which they never showed us how to do. A call has been placed with the doctor. We'll see how long it takes for him to get back to us.
Blood work & ultrasound 5/30 & 6/9
Egg retrieval estimated on 6/16 * hubby needs to be available this day
Embryo transfer will be either 6/19 or 6/21

It's finally good to know what is going on and when. It really sucked no knowing how long all this stuff takes. Now the problem is my husband is scheduled for travel 6/22 to 6/25. If this tentative schedule is off by one day, he may miss the transfer. I told him I will be heartbroken if he's not there. Does anyone know, is he allowed in the room for transfer anyway? Or will he sit in the waiting area like he has been? I really hope if it comes down to it, that he can miss this very important trip. My fingers are crossed.

So around 50 days to go before the chance to get pregnant. I'll be counting down the days.

Stupid Teeth

Seems weird to be blogging about teeth, but I've read that it can relate negatively to pregnancies, so better to be safe... I for one, do not like the dentist.  Not really sure who does for that matter. Well, I haven't been in the last say 5 years. :(  That's what happens when you don't have health insurance and hate the dentist.  

I wish I took better care of my teeth! I've always hated brushing my teeth. I hate the taste of toothpaste & I have a terrible gag reflex, so I always end up gagging when I brush my teeth, which also means I never brush my teeth long enough.  

I had two problems this time for the dentist. I had a crown fall out a long long time ago and a filling fell out last week chewing on some candy...darn candy.  Well it turns out that filling fell out because of a cavity close to the nerves so I need another root canal and then another crown. (Yikes - this news brought me to tears this afternoon.)  And on top of all that, I have the beginning of periodontal disease! That mixed with my already decaying bones (post menopause)...doesn't bode well for my teeth.  I have an appointment for the Periodontist on Monday to see how bad and what needs to be done about that. I don't really want to do it, but having it makes me seven times more likely to have a baby that is born too early and too small. I can't take that chance with all that I'm putting in to have this baby.

Now I have just as many dentist appointments as I do fertility appointments. I will be happy when I get all caught up with my teeth.  I then hope to keep my appointments every 6 months and provide a good example for my little boy or girl when they come. 

Oh and my dentist had a story for me, which is kinda cool. I had to tell him about the donor eggs and that I had no control as to when I would get pregnant. So we could do all the dental work before I get pregnant. Well his sister needed some fertility treatments, I'm assuming with donor eggs, but she had two girls with the help of treatments and 9 months ago, at the age of 42, she and her husband got pregnant all on their own! That's pretty exciting. I hope that happens to us.  That would be so cool.

Our Match is Complete!

Got an email today that our match is complete. Three couples have selected our donor! We are moving forward. We are the second couple in the set. At first I was a little disappointed because I was hoping to move forward as a 1:2 match.  But looking at the positive...we are moving forward three weeks early.  I thought we would end up as the third couple, because the order is dictated by experience, but we didn't.  We still may get fewer eggs than we would like, but hopefully, we will be less likely to get bumped.  We'll be the 2nd couple to get bumped if not enough eggs are produced. 

My husband is pretty excited. I'm happy about that. He emailed his parents & brother and told them we were moving forward. He's cute. :) He had fun yesterday playing with our friends 2.5 year old little girl. He was super adorable with her. I can't wait til he's a daddy.

In a few days, we learn what the next steps are. I'm excited and scared all at the same time.

We did it ~ We picked an Egg Donor

We finally agreed on a woman to donate her egg to us. My husband and I both looked for different qualities.  

I wanted someone with similar talents as myself. I have strong math, athletic, and artistic strengths. So that was important to me. I also wanted someone with similar hair & eye color (even though I know that it's going to be very improbable that we will have a child with blond hair & blue eyes).  I was hoping for someone my height or taller or with family history of being tall.

My husbands main concern was he wanted someone on the thin side.  (I've been super skinny most of my life.) He also would have preferred if we got to see adult pictures.  He thought looks were pretty important and that their abilities were too subjective on the woman's part, which is a little true.

We let money be the final decision breaker, when given the choice of two women who would be great. We are taking a chance picking 1:3 woman. We will share the healthiest eggs with two other couples. We also let time be a decision too. If we picked a 1:2, we would have to wait for another couple to pick her, which could be a week, could be a couple months.  With the 1:3 program, two people have already picked her and if no one else picks her in the next 30 days, we move forward as 1:2 even though we are paying for a 1:3.  So that's good. We save $8,000. That's quite a lot of money.  The only drawback is, if we don't get enough eggs. (The minimum is 4).  Hopefully, the first one works great and we have 3 left over to try for our 2nd child.  If we end up with no eggs left over, that will be a bummer...as we would have to start all over again probably with a new donor. We are hopeful that it all works out because we would prefer our children to be from the same egg donor.

The genes our donor is passing down to our child:

5' 3" weighs 119 lb.  (a little on the short side...but decent weight)

Brown Eyes, Brown Hair (Dirty Blonde as a child), Fair skin

She's German, Irish, & Greek

She has strong artistic talent, high science & athletic ability, average math & music ability

Good teeth - didn't need braces

Her Mother & Grandmother have blue eyes & blonde hair...so their may be a slight chance...

Mother, Grandmother & Sister all relatively short - 5' 0", 5' 3",  5' 5", but thin

Very good family medical history - a little arthritis & eczema. Could have missing information because all the grandparents died from non-medical reasons and at young ages.

PLUS: She was a pretty cute kid, at least from the two photos of her as a toddler.

Now, we wait...at least 30 days...then another month or so to sync everyone's cycles...then another 42 days for the donor to produce lots and lots of eggs, then a couple of days for the eggs to grow to be big and strong, then transfer to wait two weeks to see if it works. Ack...that's a lot of waiting. So maybe in 4 months, I'll know if I'm pregnant...but oh how so many things can go wrong. Be positive. Boy, how that is hard.

Why can't I post comments on some blogs. :(

I've been to many blogs, which I wish to comment on, but it will not let me. They are always blogs that ask which profile to choose. I choose the google account, it loads the next page...then nothing, no comment, just back where I started. At first I was like, Oh well....but now, it's really bother me. Anyone else have this problem? What should I do?

I double check that I'm logged in. I also wanted to post a comment on my own blog, and it does the same thing. I must be doing something wrong. I even tried a second time to do it as anonymous. I am on a Mac, using Firefox.

Grateful...

I'm thinking positive thoughts today...funny how that works. One day I am scared and worried about everything and the next I'm full of wonder and amazement of what is to come.
Today, I am grateful for the following...

1) I have a loving supportive husband. Who tries his best to keep me thinking positively and tries to take a lot of the pressure away about getting pregnant. He really is amazing!

2) I may not have my own eggs, but I am grateful for the fact that I CAN carry a baby and have my blood flow through him or her.

3) I can afford this super expensive ivf process - thanks housing bubble!

4) Everything so far is going smoothly, no hiccups - only normal test results.

5) I have a 90% chance of getting pregnant with the use of donor eggs with this program. The doctor said using donor eggs has the best odds of working per cycle.

6) There are so many woman willing to help other woman by giving them the gift of life.

7) All the amazing women out there blogging and commenting about their experiences. It really does make a difference, knowing I am not alone. All the positive thoughts are super helpful and is probably why I'm thinking such good thoughts today.

8) Science - it really is amazing. Donor eggs & IVF are becoming more common these days. I am grateful for all the advancements in this field.

9) I live so close to the largest fertility clinic in the country if not the world. More than 15,000 babies have been born with their help. My primary location is 5 minutes away for all the simple tests & blood work and my transfer location is only 30 miles away.

So yeah, I am lucky in a lot of ways.

A conversation with my Husband tonight...

Lets see if I can remember this conversation correctly... He asked me if I would ever get over the fact that our kid(s) would not be genetically mine. I told him probably not. He didn't understand why. He thinks if we get pregnant and I carry the child that I will feel like it's mine and everything will be fine. I told him it was like this... If you were to lose your arm, but then got a replacement metal arm...wouldn't you always wish you had your real arm. I think after that analogy he understood a little better.

I really hope that once I have a child, I will not think about such things. I don't know anyone who's used donor eggs...let alone gotten a child out of it. Do these feelings ever go away? Will I always wish I had a biological child?

Follow up appointment

Everything is normal. Yeah! The appointment went well. I asked lots of questions and got lots of answers. I feel more comfortable with the whole process. We are going to be accepted into the shared risk program. It means a lot of money, but if it doesn't work right away or not at all it will be worth it. We are hoping to do the 1:2 program, where we share eggs with another couple. There is more chance that something can go wrong - like not enough eggs to share, but it's a lot cheaper...some $14,000 cheaper. Can do a lot more with that money.

We have one more test and can then pick our donor!! I'm excited about that. I still have to figure out what is most important. Not sure if I want to know for sure the number of genetic siblings are out there...or to just wonder if there may be some in the future. One benefit of knowing is we get more information about the development of the donor's kids...color of their hair, eyes, when they hit their milestones. This is pretty helpful I think. I know there is a risk of our child wanting to find out where they come from and wanting to find their half-whatevers. I'm sure one day probably soon, the government will step in and make it so they will be able to find one another. I personally have always had an interest where I come from and my genetics. I would want to know. My husband on the other hand, could care less. I'm not even sure why this bothers me. I guess I'm scared.

I've always pictured a little girl like me, blond hair & blue eyes. My husband has brown eyes, as do his parents...so chances of getting blue-eyed child is probably slim, no matter what donor I choose. I wish I didn't care about any of this...I hope that when the baby comes, I can just be happy that I have a child.

Period...first one in a long time...

I feel very icky. I sure didn't miss these. Not sure what happens next. I emailed the donor nurse that I started. The cramps are starting too. Wish I had bought some Midol. Those used to be my saving grace back in the day.

I see our "doctor" tomorrow for a follow up visit, even though we have not completed our last test - the mock embryo transfer. I hope that is not a mistake, seeing him too soon. I have to start making a list of questions. I had some, but now I can't remember anything. Probably going to stress all day & night. I'm not even sure I like the doctor. That's problem number one. I only met him once for an hour consultation. I hope I feel better about him tomorrow, being that I'm about to pay him a whole lot of money and put all my hopes & dreams in his hands. :(

And more waiting...

So I learned today that we are even further away from starting. We now take 5-days of progesterone then 7-10 days after that I have my first period in almost a DECADE. At that point I call the donor nurse.  I may need to go in, I'm not sure, she speaks so fast on the phone.

She then prescribes birth control pills, and I think half way through that cycle, I go in and do the Mock Embryo Transfer...where they do some measurements, so there is no surprises. I was hoping to pick a donor before this, so we can both be doing what we need at the same time, but I guess If I don't "pass" that test, I can't even pick a donor.  Again, once we pick a donor, she will not be ready for egg retrieval for another 42 days. So, a month and half plus another 42 days...we will not be able to have our first IVF procedure for almost 3 more months!!  By then, I'm sure something is going to come up and delay us even more.  At this rate, I may be pregnant by the age of 40!

I wonder if we should be looking into adoption at the same time as going through all of this.  At least if this doesn't work, we shouldn't have to wait much longer to adopt. Does anyone know, is there a waiting list or something with adoption?

Upcoming post...What's important to me, when choosing a donor...as of now, I have no clue. What's important to you?

The waiting sucks...

I wanted to start this process about a year ago but we kept procrastinating.  We finally went in for our consultation and were ready to get the ball rolling. Before we could even read through all the paperwork, my 58 year old father died in September. I didn't feel like doing much of anything after that.  So we put off our prescreening stuff some more.  I had wanted to get started before the end of last year, but because of travel it didn't work out.  I pushed real hard for us to do everything at the start of the year.  Now, it's March. We are almost finished the prescreening process. We have our last test monday, then hopefully some day next week we can find out all our results.  (I've never had a HIV test before - I'm assuming if it were positive that they would have called to have us come in...it kinda sucks not knowing any of the results.)

My husband has quite of bit of travel coming up in the next few months, so I emailed our Donor Nurse to find out when we "might" be able to actual start IVF. I learned that the best case might be the first week of May....Uggh.  I just want to start already.

Getting started...

Picked up my medication today and got circles drawn on my "hips" for hubby to locate the injection spot with Del-estrogen tonight.  After picking up the meds, I suddenly felt really sad.  It is all feeling more real and now I fear that it might not work or I might not even be a candidate. I've read so many blogs about woman who have tried 8 times, 12 times...we only get up to 6 with our shared risk program. 

How does one prepare for loss & disappointment?  I don't think it is possible for me to prepare. I'm afraid to think it will work because I don't want to get my hopes up. What a drag all this is. It's stressful enough being pregnant and having a kid, but to have to worry about getting pregnant is so much worse.

I am so scared. Does this feeling ever go away? Zumba was my saving grace tonight, during the whole class, I completely forgot about the shot tonight.  Wish my stomach was not in knots now.

Zumba

Over the past three years, I've gained almost 20 lbs. I'm pretty sure it's because of the lack of estrogen since none of my eating habits have changed. I finally reached the point where I could not gain another pound.  I turned to Zumba.  It is so much fun. I wear a heart rate monitor and I burn up to 700 calories in an hour.

It's been three weeks now and 13 classes.  I've lost 5 lbs plus I am able to eat and drink what I want.  Cokes being one of my favorite things. I've found that I have more energy overall and I look forward to working out. I think it's helping me with stress, but it hasn't helped me fall asleep at night, luckily I have xanex for that. My mind races at night and the silence is torture.

My road to infertility...

I started having irregular periods when I was in college.  I had missed my period for 3 months and went to the doctors. I was told that I was too skinny or under too much stress and that it was normal.  She gave me some pills, which kicked started my periods again until it stopped again several months later.  

I went to a different doctor and I was told the same thing...I was too skinny  (I was 115, 5' 5").  I was given the pills again and repeated the whole process.  This time when my period stopped I waited about a year to go to the doctors.  (By the way, I've never really been on birth control of any kind - so I can't blame any of this on that.) I was 26 and wanted to know what was going on.  I went to another doctor.  I told her my history and that I wanted to figure it out what was wrong.  She did too. She actually had my blood tested.  My numbers were way past those of a normal woman in menopause.  I was referred to a fertility doctor to check me out.  He did a sonogram to look at my ovaries to see if there was any activity.  There was a little.  He told me, I had premature ovarian failure (POF) and I had maybe a 5% chance of it reversing or fixing it with medication.  I was not married or even in a relationship at the time...so I held on to hope that one day I would be able to have a baby on my own.

Now, I'm 34, and want to have a baby with my husband of 2.5 years.  Luckily, I knew about this when we were dating and I told him it would be unlikely for me to have a baby on my own.  We had discussed our options early on in the relationship, making going through all this now a lot easier.

The one positive thing about all of this is for the past 8 years I  have not had periods, PMS, cramping, etc. We never had to schedule around them, too bad that is bad for me health wise.  I have to worry about my bones losing calcium, heart disease, brain weakening, etc... I wonder what effects the hormones are going to have on me now.  I will soon find out and oh have those dreaded period again.

I haven't had a period in 8 years!

I have not had a period in 8 years and I'm only 34 years old!  I've been diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure. This year my husband and I want to have a baby.  The only way to have a baby is with IVF (In vitro fertilization), which means, I need a donor egg fertilized and then transferred into my body.  Sounds crazy and is all very overwhelming. 

I knew for a long time that I would not be able to have my own biological child, but had always hoped that there would be some way to fix me.  Turns out there is no hope for me.  My husband and I are working with Shady Grove Fertility.  We've started a couple months ago, but I wanted to start this blog to document the process and hopefully help other women like me.

So far, we have completed:

1) The initial consultation

2) Prescreening blood work for both of us - (they took a lot of blood for all the tests.)

3) A test to see if my tubes are blocked.  I did not look forward to this at all. I took some pain relief medicine before the procedure, so it did not hurt that much.  The night before the text, I scoured the internet to find out all I could about the procedure.  

4) The easiest step by far:  Test husbands sperm

5)  Meeting with a social worker - (paid for separately)  I was really nervous before this appointment as I did not know what to expect.  It was us pretty much asking the questions and letting her know what some of our concerns are.  She was very nice. She mentioned some group therapy classes she has and hopefully, I'll go to some.

6) Financial consultation - Cost, big concern.  We are leaning towards using a shared donor to keep costs down.  We would split the eggs with another couple and have some eggs left over for freezing (hopefully to have baby #2).  The cost for this is $37,000, but it's more expensive because we are opting to do their shared risk program.  If we are unable to have a baby in up to 6 tries, we get all our money back.  The only other cost is for my injections, which is about $400 per cycle.

7) Injection Class - Yeah fun stuff...NOT!  My husband learned on the way to the class that he was going to have to give me shots.  He was not happy with that at all.  He doesn't want to give them, and I really don't want to get them.  It's going to suck, but hopefully we'll get a baby out of all of this.

Now we are caught up to where we are today. The next step is to start the hormones & have a mock cycle to run some more tests. They need to determine if I am a candidate for the shared risk program and if it will even work at all.  BTW, we have yet to hear about any of the results of the testing above.

Hopefully, this will be the longest post.