Grateful...

I'm thinking positive thoughts today...funny how that works. One day I am scared and worried about everything and the next I'm full of wonder and amazement of what is to come.
Today, I am grateful for the following...

1) I have a loving supportive husband. Who tries his best to keep me thinking positively and tries to take a lot of the pressure away about getting pregnant. He really is amazing!

2) I may not have my own eggs, but I am grateful for the fact that I CAN carry a baby and have my blood flow through him or her.

3) I can afford this super expensive ivf process - thanks housing bubble!

4) Everything so far is going smoothly, no hiccups - only normal test results.

5) I have a 90% chance of getting pregnant with the use of donor eggs with this program. The doctor said using donor eggs has the best odds of working per cycle.

6) There are so many woman willing to help other woman by giving them the gift of life.

7) All the amazing women out there blogging and commenting about their experiences. It really does make a difference, knowing I am not alone. All the positive thoughts are super helpful and is probably why I'm thinking such good thoughts today.

8) Science - it really is amazing. Donor eggs & IVF are becoming more common these days. I am grateful for all the advancements in this field.

9) I live so close to the largest fertility clinic in the country if not the world. More than 15,000 babies have been born with their help. My primary location is 5 minutes away for all the simple tests & blood work and my transfer location is only 30 miles away.

So yeah, I am lucky in a lot of ways.

A conversation with my Husband tonight...

Lets see if I can remember this conversation correctly... He asked me if I would ever get over the fact that our kid(s) would not be genetically mine. I told him probably not. He didn't understand why. He thinks if we get pregnant and I carry the child that I will feel like it's mine and everything will be fine. I told him it was like this... If you were to lose your arm, but then got a replacement metal arm...wouldn't you always wish you had your real arm. I think after that analogy he understood a little better.

I really hope that once I have a child, I will not think about such things. I don't know anyone who's used donor eggs...let alone gotten a child out of it. Do these feelings ever go away? Will I always wish I had a biological child?

Follow up appointment

Everything is normal. Yeah! The appointment went well. I asked lots of questions and got lots of answers. I feel more comfortable with the whole process. We are going to be accepted into the shared risk program. It means a lot of money, but if it doesn't work right away or not at all it will be worth it. We are hoping to do the 1:2 program, where we share eggs with another couple. There is more chance that something can go wrong - like not enough eggs to share, but it's a lot cheaper...some $14,000 cheaper. Can do a lot more with that money.

We have one more test and can then pick our donor!! I'm excited about that. I still have to figure out what is most important. Not sure if I want to know for sure the number of genetic siblings are out there...or to just wonder if there may be some in the future. One benefit of knowing is we get more information about the development of the donor's kids...color of their hair, eyes, when they hit their milestones. This is pretty helpful I think. I know there is a risk of our child wanting to find out where they come from and wanting to find their half-whatevers. I'm sure one day probably soon, the government will step in and make it so they will be able to find one another. I personally have always had an interest where I come from and my genetics. I would want to know. My husband on the other hand, could care less. I'm not even sure why this bothers me. I guess I'm scared.

I've always pictured a little girl like me, blond hair & blue eyes. My husband has brown eyes, as do his parents...so chances of getting blue-eyed child is probably slim, no matter what donor I choose. I wish I didn't care about any of this...I hope that when the baby comes, I can just be happy that I have a child.

Period...first one in a long time...

I feel very icky. I sure didn't miss these. Not sure what happens next. I emailed the donor nurse that I started. The cramps are starting too. Wish I had bought some Midol. Those used to be my saving grace back in the day.

I see our "doctor" tomorrow for a follow up visit, even though we have not completed our last test - the mock embryo transfer. I hope that is not a mistake, seeing him too soon. I have to start making a list of questions. I had some, but now I can't remember anything. Probably going to stress all day & night. I'm not even sure I like the doctor. That's problem number one. I only met him once for an hour consultation. I hope I feel better about him tomorrow, being that I'm about to pay him a whole lot of money and put all my hopes & dreams in his hands. :(

And more waiting...

So I learned today that we are even further away from starting. We now take 5-days of progesterone then 7-10 days after that I have my first period in almost a DECADE. At that point I call the donor nurse.  I may need to go in, I'm not sure, she speaks so fast on the phone.

She then prescribes birth control pills, and I think half way through that cycle, I go in and do the Mock Embryo Transfer...where they do some measurements, so there is no surprises. I was hoping to pick a donor before this, so we can both be doing what we need at the same time, but I guess If I don't "pass" that test, I can't even pick a donor.  Again, once we pick a donor, she will not be ready for egg retrieval for another 42 days. So, a month and half plus another 42 days...we will not be able to have our first IVF procedure for almost 3 more months!!  By then, I'm sure something is going to come up and delay us even more.  At this rate, I may be pregnant by the age of 40!

I wonder if we should be looking into adoption at the same time as going through all of this.  At least if this doesn't work, we shouldn't have to wait much longer to adopt. Does anyone know, is there a waiting list or something with adoption?

Upcoming post...What's important to me, when choosing a donor...as of now, I have no clue. What's important to you?

The waiting sucks...

I wanted to start this process about a year ago but we kept procrastinating.  We finally went in for our consultation and were ready to get the ball rolling. Before we could even read through all the paperwork, my 58 year old father died in September. I didn't feel like doing much of anything after that.  So we put off our prescreening stuff some more.  I had wanted to get started before the end of last year, but because of travel it didn't work out.  I pushed real hard for us to do everything at the start of the year.  Now, it's March. We are almost finished the prescreening process. We have our last test monday, then hopefully some day next week we can find out all our results.  (I've never had a HIV test before - I'm assuming if it were positive that they would have called to have us come in...it kinda sucks not knowing any of the results.)

My husband has quite of bit of travel coming up in the next few months, so I emailed our Donor Nurse to find out when we "might" be able to actual start IVF. I learned that the best case might be the first week of May....Uggh.  I just want to start already.

Getting started...

Picked up my medication today and got circles drawn on my "hips" for hubby to locate the injection spot with Del-estrogen tonight.  After picking up the meds, I suddenly felt really sad.  It is all feeling more real and now I fear that it might not work or I might not even be a candidate. I've read so many blogs about woman who have tried 8 times, 12 times...we only get up to 6 with our shared risk program. 

How does one prepare for loss & disappointment?  I don't think it is possible for me to prepare. I'm afraid to think it will work because I don't want to get my hopes up. What a drag all this is. It's stressful enough being pregnant and having a kid, but to have to worry about getting pregnant is so much worse.

I am so scared. Does this feeling ever go away? Zumba was my saving grace tonight, during the whole class, I completely forgot about the shot tonight.  Wish my stomach was not in knots now.

Zumba

Over the past three years, I've gained almost 20 lbs. I'm pretty sure it's because of the lack of estrogen since none of my eating habits have changed. I finally reached the point where I could not gain another pound.  I turned to Zumba.  It is so much fun. I wear a heart rate monitor and I burn up to 700 calories in an hour.

It's been three weeks now and 13 classes.  I've lost 5 lbs plus I am able to eat and drink what I want.  Cokes being one of my favorite things. I've found that I have more energy overall and I look forward to working out. I think it's helping me with stress, but it hasn't helped me fall asleep at night, luckily I have xanex for that. My mind races at night and the silence is torture.

My road to infertility...

I started having irregular periods when I was in college.  I had missed my period for 3 months and went to the doctors. I was told that I was too skinny or under too much stress and that it was normal.  She gave me some pills, which kicked started my periods again until it stopped again several months later.  

I went to a different doctor and I was told the same thing...I was too skinny  (I was 115, 5' 5").  I was given the pills again and repeated the whole process.  This time when my period stopped I waited about a year to go to the doctors.  (By the way, I've never really been on birth control of any kind - so I can't blame any of this on that.) I was 26 and wanted to know what was going on.  I went to another doctor.  I told her my history and that I wanted to figure it out what was wrong.  She did too. She actually had my blood tested.  My numbers were way past those of a normal woman in menopause.  I was referred to a fertility doctor to check me out.  He did a sonogram to look at my ovaries to see if there was any activity.  There was a little.  He told me, I had premature ovarian failure (POF) and I had maybe a 5% chance of it reversing or fixing it with medication.  I was not married or even in a relationship at the time...so I held on to hope that one day I would be able to have a baby on my own.

Now, I'm 34, and want to have a baby with my husband of 2.5 years.  Luckily, I knew about this when we were dating and I told him it would be unlikely for me to have a baby on my own.  We had discussed our options early on in the relationship, making going through all this now a lot easier.

The one positive thing about all of this is for the past 8 years I  have not had periods, PMS, cramping, etc. We never had to schedule around them, too bad that is bad for me health wise.  I have to worry about my bones losing calcium, heart disease, brain weakening, etc... I wonder what effects the hormones are going to have on me now.  I will soon find out and oh have those dreaded period again.